Sometimes I have trust issues. Not so much with other people; ridiculously enough, they’re oftentimes with God. In all my 26 years on this spinning planet, my experiences have yet to justify my lack of trust in the Lord. And still, like a bad movie that’s had one too many torturous sequels, I keep reliving the same terrible story line: I have a specific need (and a plan to go along with it), time starts running out, I worry worry worry, at the last minute God swoops in and saves the day, and I berate myself for not having trusted God all along.
I’ve been doing battle with this pattern for the past month as I’ve searched and applied and interviewed for internships for my second year in graduate school. I’ve discovered anew that worry is draining. And frustrating! And pointless. And kind of addictive. And, in my case, worry is a sin.
I realized about a week ago that this pattern truly needs to stop. It isn’t amusing anymore. The faithfulness of God has been exhibited throughout the history of the world, throughout my own life, in the very sustaining air that I breathe. Who am I to doubt the limitless faithfulness of God in anything, much less a nine month internship? And so I’ve stopped praying about the internship and have started praying for a change of heart. I really need a change of heart, and that’s something only God can do in me.
He has always been incredibly, shockingly, creatively faithful! I was reminded of this today by the ever germane Clive Staples. Be encouraged, reminded, and challenged, dear friends:
God is both further from us, and nearer to us, than any other being…He makes, we are made: He is the original, we derivative. But at the same time, and for the same reason, the intimacy between God and even the meanest creature is closer than any that creatures can attain with one another. Our life is, at every moment, supplied by Him; our tiny, miraculous power of free will only operates in bodies which His continual energy keeps in existence — our very power to think is His power communicated to us. – C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity